Many of us have awakened from that classic nightmare where something really terrifying happens, like falling or being trapped. You know what’s coming next. And you scream from the depths of your being. Only nothing comes out of your mouth. It’s a silent scream like the famous Munch painting. It is at this point in our dream where we usually wake up and realize—phew, that was not real. By the time you are sipping your java, your nightmare is a distant memory. In my psychotherapy practice, I have witnessed the intense desire for people to have a voice. People want to express how they feel and, most importantly, be heard. It’s really a necessity for our development, growth and feeling that we matter. Possessing a voice is essential to our self worth. The origin of our silence is usually rooted in our childhood muck where the adults in our lives did not allow it or did not validate us for it. We got the message loud and clear that it was not acceptable to express ourselves. People describe themselves as the good child who did not rock the boat. Keeping quiet can be a survival mechanism. We do whatever we can to stay afloat in our family system. Then we grow up and we don’t have the tools to use this voice of ours. But we know it is there deep down inside of us, waiting to be skillfully released, to be a leader of our thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Our voice provides both woofer and tweeter for the soundtrack to our being. Without it, we may feel rudderless and powerless. The wonderful thing is that it is never too late to find our voice. Here are seven ways to begin: 1. Reflect on your needs, wants and feelings. Get up close and personal. Jot them down. Read them out loud. Repeat. 2. Pinpoint how your history has been a roadblock for you. Perhaps you had a critical parent and that is the voice in your head. Discover how that is getting in the way. 3. Challenge that voice. Kiss the good girl or silent boy goodbye, welcome the grown up and invite him or her to join you at the table. 4. Think about someone you admire who possesses a strong voice in their life. Incorporate some of the things you like in to your own repertoire. Emulate them. 5. Cultivate things that make you feel good and build your self-confidence. Do one of those things each and every day. 6. Give yourself permission to express your feelings and thoughts. Befriend them. 7. Inhabit the voice you want to express. Own it. Be it. By growing self-love, confidence,...

We’ve all had those moments. You know, the ones where someone says or does that thing that feels like they are poking you; saying something on purpose to annoy you, hurt you, piss you off, create utter exasperation… triggering a cascade of emotions and accompanying reactions and behaviors. Generally, those moments do not end well. Often for others, but especially for us. Here’s the thing, most people do not say or do things to hurt us or deliberately wreak havoc on our lives. There’s a very good reason it may feel that way though. Quite often, it has a lot more to do with our internal dialogue. We’ve got an entire tele novella going on in our sweet little heads. You know, our heads that contain our brains which are supposed to guide us with reason and good conscience. Next time you have an experience where you notice that, consider being a tad bit dramatic: Take a moment. Conduct a little self-check. Explore whether you might have some chatter going on in your head. Imagine taking a thick Sharpie and cross out that story arc that you’re so married to. And then, turn it on its head. Yup-that’s right. Intentionally think of something positive for every negative thought that comes into your mind. When your partner doesn’t greet you like a prenaturally cheery Katie Couric when she gets home, your immediate thought might be that she’s still pissed that you didn’t pick up your stuff from this morning. With your new strategy, you might create the thought that she may need some time to transition from work to home.  So you will give her a little space and then you can have a more positive conversation. It has nothing to do with you. Believe it. Harder than doing planks, I know. But is so necessary to combat those annoying thoughts. People will respond to you more positively. You will feel more grounded. And you will like yourself more than you did before. It’s really all about you And how you choose to give meaning to whatever comes your way. Edit this...

It’s a funny thing. Even mysterious. It’s tough to put your finger on it. It waxes and wanes, changing on a dime. Some days we may possess a good dose, while other days, no matter how hard we try, we just can’t dredge it up.   Its presence or absence can color our mood, affect our self-confidence and the way we operate in our life. What is hope anyway? Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire that a certain thing will happen. It’s a feeling of trust. It provides us with direction. It anchors one’s soul.   While watching the Stanley Cup Finals, I began to think about hope. I know—weird, right? Stay with me. These guys are tough athletes—driven, focused and relentless. I was struck by the players ability to stay focused and maintain hope through a fast-paced hockey game where a goal can be scored in mere seconds. One could have hope and lose it a thousand times during the course of a game.   I realize they are trained athletes, schooled both physically and mentally. Some of us might come out of the womb wired to be more hopeful. But some of us are not. For those of us who do not possess an unending trough of hope, we must cultivate it. Similar to other muscles in our bodies, we have to practice developing our hope muscle. Sometimes life is not fair. Crummy things happen. We all may lose hope along the way. Maybe for a moment, and maybe for a big chunk of our lives.   Seek out inspiration. Look for role models. Stop focusing on mistakes. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Cease the black and white thinking. Cut the doubt and negative chatter. Be in the “now.” Build your resiliency. And practice, practice, practice. Discover your inner Anje Kopitar and find...

We had it in our grasp. The coveted bright orange wristband with purple lettering. It symbolized a good time, being with friends, great music, and freedom. Then my son woke up with a hellish cough, body aches and a fever. Yeah, there was no way he was going to Coachella. I had to sell the wristband pronto. Within minutes after placing an ad on Craig’s list,  I received over 400 texts and phone messages from a plethora of people desperate to get their hands on the wristband. Area codes popped up on my phone display from all over the country. What fascinated me most, was what people did to grab my attention. I heard all kinds of crazy stories: One guy reported that he came all the way from Norway to attend the music festival. A woman lamented that she was scammed out of a ticket twice. Another individual called me his savior. Many offered to meet me anywhere, anytime. I had offers of more money and less money. Every one had a story. It made me think about what we do when we really want something. What is the narrative you create? What are you willing to do to make yourself seen and heard? And how do you share it with the world? Whether you’re pursuing a job, a relationship, or a Coachella admittance, consider the following: –Clarify your goals. –Spend some time developing a plan to carry out those goals. –Develop a solid core foundation that makes sense. –Figure out what will draw someone in.  Find the unique quality you possess. –Add humor. –Gather your confidence. –Bring all your energy to the table. –Follow through. My day of commingling with the potential Coachella-goers demonstrated that the people who expressed their story honestly, authentically and bravely, got my attention. Some pulled at my heartstrings. Others caused me to chuckle. A few surprised me. The woman who wanted my ticket had driven many miles to meet me. She had been robbed the day before when she attempted to get a ticket. Going to the music festival was something she had wanted to do all year long. When the business exchange was completed, the young woman who was now in possession of the orange wristband, graciously thanked me, hugged me and excitedly made her way to the desert. I smiled, feeling richer for the experience of hearing her...

Many people playfully adopt the Saint Patrick’s Day tradition of wearing green. There are a multitude of reasons for this tradition including: …Ireland’s nickname as the Emerald Isle …Green is one of the colors on the Irish flag …Four-leaf clovers are green, …Green is believed to make you invisible to leprechauns  (My personal favorite explanation.) The point is that things can hold many different meanings. We do that too. We give meaning to things. Sometimes, there is no validity at all. Many times the meaning we subscribe perpetuates a negative thought cycle. It affects how we feel, think and act. In a wonderful TED Talks Health Psychologist Kelly McGonigal, notes that HOW we view stress matters. Typically, when our palms get sweaty, our heart races and our breath quickens, we panic, we think something is wrong, we might even believe we are sick. What if we viewed our stress response as helpful? When we experience stress, a whole slew of internal activity ensues: our heart rate rises, stress hormones are released into our bloodstream, and stress chemicals are released in our brains. But, what if we saw this as our body’s way of preparing ourselves to rise to the challenge? It is priming us to be able to face things, helping us seek out others, to find the courage to deal with life. Ultimately, we are working towards a transformative experience, where we create courage and resiliency. And we can create new meaning to our own story, shaping our perspective and our narrative in a positive light. We feel, think and act differently. Harness that energy that was once viewed as toxic stress and begin to welcome it as a propelling life force as we take on the...